One time I liked this guy who didn’t like me back. My best friend said, “I have this book you should read, it’s called He’s Just Not That Into You.” My dad said, “He’s a f---ing moron.” Who do you think made me feel better? In fact I did not find my friend’s comment helpful; it just made me feel like some lame Bridget Jones lady (in the real world where Bridget Jones would definitely not be dating Colin Firth or Hugh Grant). I should point out that I haven’t actually read He’s Just Not That Into You, but I’m offended by it. This book insults me before I’ve even opened it; why would I want to read it?!

So the next time your friend bemoans his or her most recent romantic disappointment, rather than “help” interpret the signs, take a page out of my dad’s book. His approach would begin with his motto (“He’s a f---ing moron”) and then generally unfold into disturbingly graphic scenarios about what the boy in question might be doing instead of liking me, to the point that I would be left grossed out by the boy in question. Perhaps he was trying to use Pavlovian conditioning rather than give touchy feely advice like “move on” or “get over it already.”

(Incidentally, I think my dad used HAFM more or less indiscriminately about all boys I told him about, regardless of their level of interest in me, but since that doesn’t lead to a valuable life lesson that I can think of, we’ll just ignore that for now.)

Before I go on, I would like to point out that HAFM can only be successfully applied when a first date doesn’t produce a second, or when the love interest in question quits calling after a few dates (or similar). This technique should not be applied to the end of a long-term relationship. There are several reasons for this, but the most important (for you, as the supportive friend) is that your friend might take the ex back, share the HAFM talk with him, and they banish you for life. Or, alternately, the friend might not take the ex back but still share the HAFM talk with him, and he might come shoot you with his gun. In fact, I’ve done well to follow another piece of my dad’s advice, that you should never offer advice of the “break up with your boyfriend” variety to friends (unless the boyfriend is physically abusive or dangerous, though then you still risk the shot with gun scenario). One way or another, giving this sort of advice almost always backfires.

While HAFM might just sound like protective dad behavior, it’s worthwhile to cultivate your inner protective dad in this respect. Lots of my friends beat themselves up mercilessly when they’re blown off, and of course rejection always stings, but it’s important to be able to tell yourself HAFM, at least in the context of his ever becoming your boyfriend. Actually I find that, for me, my father’s level of rhetoric is only appropriate for a few cases of truly bad boy behavior, but in general I think it’s good to be able to see that, no matter how perfect you thought someone was on the first date or two, if he quits phoning you back (or generally does not show equal interest), he’s probably not going to make a very good boyfriend no matter how much you stalk him. It just wasn’t meant to be. If you need to badmouth him (in your head or to a friend) to get there from here, I see no problem with that. So, you see, at the end of the day my dad is just another proponent of Buddhist philosophy.

Once upon a time when I was in high school, my father told me, “If you puke on a guy and he doesn’t like you too much, it will disgust him and he’ll be outta there, but if you puke on a guy and he likes you, it will make him like you more!”

I don’t recommend this as a barometer of interest—particularly as results are unlikely to be remembered clearly the next morning—but it seems that popular culture would bear him out. Consider Ten Things I Hate About You: in both the movie and the new show on ABC Family, Kat’s vomiting brings her closer to Patrick Verona.

(Imagine the TV execs adapting this scene from the movie:
Exec 1: Well this is ABC Family, after all, I say we skip this scene.
Exec 2: But it’s a fan favorite! According to our polls, fans love puke.
Exec 1: Well I suppose if we were to say that she regurgitates her meal due to food poisoning, rather than partaking in underage drinking...
Exec 2: But the vomit stays?
Exec 1: Yes, the vomit can stay.
Entire studio: YESSSSS!)

And in my favorite TV show, the British doctor comedy Green Wing, an epic romance-making kiss ensues after Dr. Mac helps Dr. Todd to up-chuck in the toilet at a house party. The best part about this scene is that in the DVD audio commentary, Tamsin Grieg (Dr. Todd) comments that she and several other cast members thought the kiss was too unbelievable, considering her character had just been sick, but Julian Rhind-Tutt (Dr. Mac) assured them that he had actually used this move in real life to pick up a girl. Now there’s a man who doesn’t need any dating tips!

It would seem my dad is onto something: up-chucking induces intimacy. And there is definite gender directionality, because I can’t imagine a romantic scene in a movie where a guy pukes on or near a girl and they proceed to make out.

(Side note: I’m not going to try too hard to get to the psychological basis of all of this; I imagine it is deeply rooted in gender roles, female vulnerability versus man as the protector, etc. In the spirit of asking What Would Dad Do?, let’s just forget feminism for the time being.)

For those of us who are not built of the stuff of legends like Dr. Mac, my dad’s observation points to a more user-friendly dating insight, and perhaps this is what my dad was actually trying to say (let’s give him the benefit of the doubt): once a man is committed, there isn’t much you can do to screw it up. Once a man is in a relationship, that’s end-game. Ladies, that doesn’t mean he won’t look at other women appreciatively or even that he won’t cheat on you or treat you wrong, but it does mean that the little annoying things you do are unlikely to affect any of that. As we all know, women are trigger-happy when it comes to the nitpicking even at the best of times, while men, like the captain of a ship, cling on for dear life even as the rats are making off with the last of the lifeboats.

I’m sure everyone knows at least one exception to this trend, but I have found it to hold more often than not. And I know I’m not the only one. I will now quote, for the first but not the last time, possibly the smartest movie about dating ever made, a straight-to-DVD film from 2002 called I’m With Lucy. In this film, Lucy goes on five blind dates, one of which results in marriage, and all of which result in valuable dating insights. Her first date (John Hannah, at his most loveable) is a repressed British entomologist who says of his recent divorce, “All we had left was friendship, and that’s not enough for a marriage. At least that’s what she said—and she was right, I know that.... Women are much braver than men. Men are much more reluctant to end things.” After all, women are said to initiate approximately 75% of divorces in America.

Lest you think I stray too far from my dad’s original message...

Men, here’s a piece of advice I’ve been saving just for you, from my dad: Once you get locked down, there isn’t much you can do, so before it’s too late, be sure you take a good look at the size of the girl’s mom. As Morrissey said, “Some girls’ mothers are bigger than other girls’ mothers,” so watch out for yourselves, boys!